Couple’s Therapy or Individual Therapy?
Couples Therapy or Individual Therapy? How do we decide the right next step?
It is quite common for folks to come in for a complimentary consultation, considering couple’s therapy, with this very question.
“Should we do couples therapy? Or should I go on my own first?”
It’s a tender question. Underneath this question there is both hope (maybe this could help) and fear (what if it makes things worse or confirms something I’m not ready to know).
There’s no one right answer. But there are some gentle guideposts that can help you sense which kind of support might be the most helpful right now.
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When Couples Therapy Might Be the Right Next Step
Couples therapy is often most helpful when the relationship itself feels like the main source of distress. Both partners have to also be at least somewhat willing to look at what’s happening between them, and where they might be contributing to things feeling stuck.
You might consider couples therapy if:
You feel stuck in repeating patterns or conflicts
Conversations escalate or shut down quickly
There’s still care or longing underneath the tension
You want help better understanding each other, not just fixing a problem
You’re navigating a major transition together (parenting, illness, grief, relocation)
Couples therapy creates space to slow things down and make sense of the emotional cycles and unmet needs that are often hard to see when you’re the people stuck inside them.
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When Individual Therapy May Be a Better First Step
Sometimes the relationship pain is real, but the most immediate support needs to be just for you.
Individual therapy can be a good place to start if:
You feel certain you want to end the relationship, but are having difficulty saying this
There’s significant trauma that has not yet been worked through, depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges
Your partner isn’t willing or able to attend therapy
You worry about your physical safety
Individual therapy focuses on your inner world and nervous system, often helping you feel steady and more clear. This can later support relational work, if that’s where things go.
It is common for couples to start therapy together, as this is what brings them the greatest amount of safety. When therapy can feel scary alone, having your key attachment figure by your side can help it feel less scary. Sometimes it becomes apparent that individual therapy is what is most needed, and a skilled couple’s therapist will let you know that.
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If You’re Not on the Same Page
It’s common for one partner to want couples therapy, while the other feels hesitant or resistant.
When there’s a mismatch, individual therapy can help you explore your hopes, fears, or ambivalence. Sometimes one person starting therapy gently opens the door to couples work later. Even a single consultation with a couples therapist can help clarify next steps. Sometimes one person making change can also shift things in the dynamic the couple is stuck in.
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A Few Questions to Reflect On
Are we mostly struggling with each other? Or, are we struggling with what each of us is carrying internally?
Am I hoping therapy will change my partner, or am I hoping it will help us understand each other?
What feels most urgent: repairing the bond, or stabilizing myself?
Often, your body offers important information here. Turn inwards and see if you notice a sense of relief, dread, or quiet clarity when you imagine one option over the other.
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It’s Okay If the Answer Changes
Many people move between individual and couples therapy over time. One often leads to the other. That is natural, and us couple’s therapists definitely expect this and can help you with this.
What matters most isn’t necessarily choosing the “right” next step, but choosing some form of support as a starting off point. Support that helps you feel more grounded, clear, and less alone. What you most need will likely become clerer as you begin to engage with the process.
If you’re unsure, that uncertainty itself can be a meaningful place to begin with a therapist, and something I would definitely welcome you bringing to a complimentary conversation.
Lara