When Good Intentions Miss the Mark: Unhelpful Mental Health Advice (and What May Help Instead)

When someone you love is struggling, it is natural to want to help. Many of us reach for words to help soothe, encourage, or attempt to alleviate their pain or discomfort.

And often, without meaning to, we say things that leave our most important people feeling dismissed, minimized, or even isolated.

This isn’t because we don’t care. It’s usually because we’re uncomfortable with suffering and unsure what actually helps.

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Why “Helpful” Advice Can Feel So Unhelpful

When someone is anxious, depressed, grieving, or overwhelmed, their nervous system is often already in a state of threat. Advice that pushes for perspective, action, or positivity can accidentally communicate:

• Your feelings are too much

• You should be handling this better

• I need you to feel different so I can feel okay

Even commonly used phrases can miss the emotional moment entirely.

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Common Pieces of Unhelpful Mental Health Advice

You may recognize some of these. You may have said them yourself, or been on the receiving end. This post isn’t intended to shame or blame, but simply to bring some awareness around common things folks hear when they are not doing well, and some of what might be more helpful instead. 

1. “Just try to think positive.”

What it can land as: Your pain is a mindset problem.

What helps instead: “That sounds really heavy. I’m glad you told me.”

2. “Other people have it worse.”

What it can land as: Your suffering isn’t valid.

What helps instead: “It makes sense that this feels hard for you.”

Pain doesn’t become smaller because someone else is hurting too.

3. “You should try  → insert yoga / meditation / therapy / medication here.” 

What it can land as: If you’d just do the right thing, this would be fixed.

What helps instead: “Would it be helpful to talk through what kinds of support feels good right now?”

4. “Everything happens for a reason.” (Although I will admit - I do like this one myself from time to time. I sometimes find it grounds me, or helps create meaning in difficult moments. 

BUT it can land as: This pain is necessary or meaningful. Just get over it.

What helps instead: “I don’t know why this is happening, but I’m here with you in it.”

5. One of my personal least favourites next → “You don’t seem that bad.”

What it can land as: Your inner world isn’t believable.

What helps instead: “Help me understand what it’s been like for you.”

What People Often Need More Than Advice

When someone is struggling, they usually don’t need solutions first. They need:

• To feel believed

• To feel emotionally safe

• To feel less alone

• To have their experience named and reflected back to them

Connection regulates before advice ever can.

Simple Things You Can Say Instead

You don’t need perfect words. You need present ones.

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “I’m here with you.”

• “You don’t have to figure this out right now.”

• “Do you want me to listen, or help you think through options?”

• “I care about you, even when I don’t know what to say.”
  

These kinds of responses help calm the nervous system and open space for trust and meaningful dialogue. 

If You’re Afraid of Saying the Wrong Thing

Many people stay quiet because they’re scared of making it worse. Silence, though, can sometimes feel like abandonment.

It’s okay to be imperfect. You can even say:

“I’m not sure what will help, but I want to understand.

That honesty is often more meaningfully received than forced optimism or quick fixes.

A Final Thought

Supporting someone’s mental health isn’t about finding the right words to make the pain go away. It’s about staying connected while the pain is here.

If someone you love is struggling, your steadiness, curiosity, and willingness to sit with discomfort may matter more than any advice you could ever give.

And if you’re the one struggling: needing care, understanding, and patience is not a failure. It’s part of being human.

If you’re finding it hard to support someone you love, or feeling unseen in your own pain, therapy can offer a space where nothing needs to be minimized or rushed. Both of these are valid and real reasons people come to therapy. You are welcome here. We would love to meet you. 

Until next time, take good care. 

Lara